I think the title just about sums it up.
Life's been a bit rocky lately. I'm not sure when it isn't during the teen years, but in particular I've been feeling some of the not-so-pleasant sides of being 17. Maybe it's just me as a 17-year-old. Maybe not. All I know is I'm ready for it to be gone, or resolved, or... something.
I'm restless. I feel like a young bird just teetering on the edge of the nest. There's a long drop below, but blue skies ahead. Some days I feel ready to just jump out and fly, to get on with my life! Then others I'm not sure if I'm ready. Am I mature enough? Would that be stupid? Do I have the funds? The support? What do I want to do? What's the direction God's leading me in?
It's frightening. It's bittersweet. It's exciting. Exhilarating. Tempting. Sad. So many things. And honestly, it doesn't help to be female. Because let's face it, being a girl is just hard, period.
When I close my eyes and ask myself what I see in the future -- my life's future -- my answers change almost every day. There are the concrete facts; I will be writing, I'll be a mommy, I'll have a blue Toyota Corolla. And then there are the ones that hang in the air. Some days I'll be going to college. Others I'll be dancing, and choreographing my own Nutcracker show. And still others, on those gray, rainy days, I'm stuck in a job I hate, living a life I know I never want to. Keep in mind those are specifically on gray, rainy days. It never lasts long. I'm all about reaching for the stars, really.
I know in time, I'll do all the things I want to. I have a firm mind to. But what about now?
I'm not really sure what I'm wanting to get out of this post. Maybe I just wanted to share. Maybe I'd like some advice. I'll take anything.
If you've been through this, does it get better? What did you do? I can't afford to travel or to start horseback riding classes (which somehow feels like it would help). I can't afford to do much except work, write, and enjoy life as I can.
Okay. Here's an especially happy fill-out to lighten up the tone of this post. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I'll be more sparkly next time.
Oh! And it's official. I've ditched my anonymous name (much as I love it!) for my real one. Making the change from "Lizzy" to "Maggie" all over the internet is harder than you'd think.
Best Part of Today: The rain!! It's been SO dry.
Currently Craving: Change.
Music Pick: "Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble (He fixes EVERYTHING!)
I'm Reading: "The Near Witch" by Victoria Schwab
WATM: To Save Them (11,401 words) + new idea... don't ask
About Constance:
I'm Constance. The Texan Twin. I love three things: my Twin, writing, and chocola––no, wait. I love more than three. I love...
About Maggie:
Hi! I'm Maggie. I love and enjoy so many things, I won't be able to fit them all in one about-me. I'll start with I'm a dancer...
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10 epic comments:
Hello Maggie! :) Well you sure made the switch seem easy... ;)
Oh, by the way, I gave this blog an award (you can pick it up at my blog). :)
I like how the blue Toyota Corolla is a fixed point in life. ^_^
I can't offer I've-been-through-that advice, since I'm going through it, same as you... but I can say I agree wholeheartedly. I'm ready for change too. Something radical (in a good way) would be nice...
Also... Change is good--sometimes. Not always. Some change is most definitely bad.
*hugs* We'll make it through being teens. And then when we're old and wise, we'll look back on our teen years and shake our head and laugh in that way people do when they... well, when they look back on their teen years. :P
Till then, we've got each other! And tons of other wonderful people. And our writing... and chocolate and tea. :D
I remember going through that period as if it were yesterday...really, because it was almost yesterday--just a handful of months ago. It stopped (mostly) when I graduated, because I realized that I was a legal adult with a high school diploma. If I really wanted to, I could get a job and live on my own, and no one could stop me. I could drive down to CA and live near my cousins(not that I'd want to, with how bad CA's economy is O_O). Basically, it was knowing that, in the world, there was nothing holding me back. But I knew none of it was for me, not yet.
It's the whole 'what does God want me to do with my life' question--I feel like I'm doing it right now. As far as I've figured it, He generally doesn't show you the whole staircase, He gives you a step, or two steps, and tells you to go for it. Sometimes He gives you two or three staircases, and you can choose which one to work with. For me, I feel like I'm working on crossing the step He's given me right now, which would be finishing and trying to sell my book. I feel like the next step's going to be college, but I can't know for sure until I get there.
It's a great big lesson in patience, and finding peace and contentment with where you're at, while knowing the best is still ahead of you. I've got my peace--sometimes contentment is an issue, I get restless doing the same thing, constantly failing to live up to my own expectations, waiting for what I feel is coming. But I know it'll all work out with trust in Him, and that's the best thing.
Now that I've finished my mini-essay pep-talk, lol--I also love how the blue Toyota Corolla is a given. XD
@Amanda Seee. You're so smart. *loves your mini-essay pep-talk* ^^
@Gracie Why thank you!
@Constance Thank you for that, dear Twin. That we will! *determined to emerge from teenhood still sane*
@Amanda Wow. Lemme just say, you're just AWESOME! Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're totally right about one stair at a time, rather than the staircase. Lesson learned. THANK YOU.
And yes. Of course the Corolla. *smiles* I've known that since I was 12. Do you think I'm gonna let myself down?
Hi, Maggie. I'm also going through what you are right now. I think it's a common thing for 17-year-olds like us. (The whole "OH MY GAH WHAT AM I GOING TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL?" thing, I mean.)
I agree with Amanda's advice (fantastic mini-essay pep-talk, by the way. It helped me as well.:)). Sure, there's going to be a LOT of things happening in the next couple of months but all we can do is take it one step at a time.
And don't worry about not being sparkly. No one can be happy all the time. (Except maybe those weird people on commercials--and they're totally acting.)
Hope you feel better and good luck on the new idea! :)
@Lyla Somehow it feels better to know you're not alone. You guys have totally made me feel better. I'm glad I decided to blog about it.
And totally! Commercials are just... there isn't even a word. O_O And thank you! I'm actually really enjoying it.
@Constance--Aww shucks. You're making my ego explode, and I thought we both agreed that was a bad idea/would be messy. =P
@Maggie--Haha, you're welcome, I'm just glad it came out making sense.
I feel all old and sage and wise now. Glad I could help, folks! *bows out* ;)
*stares, dumbstruck by the awesomeness of the under-20 gals around here*
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